Laying in bed with a lovely man. We snuggled up all night. No sex, just hugs and a few kisses and then sleep after an evening of laughter, pizza and wine. In the morning LP ends up in bed with us having his morning feed. This lovely man stays in bed with us, talking to us both, alternatively stroking my arm or my hair, or holding my sons little hand, watching us both. Then he turns to me and says "This is all a bit odd isn't it? This should be your husband laying here with you both" and I reply "My husband would never have laid around with us like this....." The truth in this statement hits me hard. I try to think of a time when my soon to be ex husband touched me gently and lovingly like this man has been doing for the past 12 hours or so. And I really cannot remember. Not even in the early days. I can't remember him ever touching me unless he wanted something. Wanted sex, to be more explicit. The truth in that realisation lays me low. Almost 10 years of that.... so lonely. So very very lonely. I once read something along the lines of the only thing worse than being lonely alone is being lonely with someone. That idea haunted me, from the time I read it, for the rest of my marriage.....

I found this lovely man saying that so confronting. The previous evening had been lovely, just snuggled up on the lounge watching a DVD, eating pizza etc and laughing a lot. I had to go and feed LP part way through the evening. I was laying in his room feeding him and this lovely man comes in and just sits with us, watching and stroking my shoulder, just generally being present in a way my husband never was. It made me want to cry. I cannot believe I wasted such a long time on someone who would never do that sort of thing. EVER. I will never settle for that again. Another addition to the WIW List :P (What I Want)

This blog is for me, as a place to work through my sadness and grief over the waste that was my marriage. I am finding as time goes by that little things crop up that lay me low. I need a place to express them and hopefully put them in their place and let them go. I want to be able to move on with my life, and this is about me doing so. I have been separated from my husband for 5 months now. It is a hard road, but it also a blessing. As hard as things are, they are going to get harder yet before they get easier. But nothing could be harder than treading water in a loveless marriage.....